What Not To Say to Woman Trying to Have Babies

Monday, December 26th (posted on January 8th, 2012)

The other day, Jon and I went to a movie at the Mall of America. As we were walking into the theatre, we saw a couple walking hand in hand dressed in early 1900s costumes. Jon and I looked at each other and raised our eye-brows, but understood a little better once we saw them purchasing tickets to see Sherlock Holmes movie. My guess is that they were excited to see the film and wanted to get in character. Jon brought it up again a few days later remarking how silly it was that people would have that much passion and effort to dress in a way that would attract curious attention to themselves. He then paused before chiming in, “....but then again, I tend to question things I don’t understand.” 

And he’s right. Its human nature to disagree with or pass judgement on things we don’t fully understand (even if we think we do). Last January I made a comment that makes me cringe now as I think about it. Speaking as though it were a fact, I declared that, “people that miscarry right away in their pregnancy can just have another baby.” Good grief-really?! As far as I know, I’ve never miscarried, but it’s an unfortunate reality that 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage (rest assured though that a huge proportion of these miscarriages are from those that didn’t even know they were pregnant). I think about this comment now and if I ever do miscarry, my first reaction after getting over my grief is going to be, “great, now I have to go through this process all over again?”. Where in the world did I get the idea that I understood the grief of miscarriage better than a woman undergoing it?

I’m part of an online group for girls that are TTC. Most of the girls have normal fertility and got pregnant rather quickly, yet there are a few that have been trying longer than I have. One stressor that comes up from time to time are comments made by people that mean well, but that come out all wrong. For the first time ever, someone finally said one of these seemingly harmless comments to me. Luckily I didn’t take much offense to it, but it did cause an eye roll. For that, I decided to supply my unofficial list of the worst things you can say to any woman of fertile age (I am guilty of all of these, so don’t feel bad). I’m going to make light of these and keep them comical because I know people just don’t understand (why should they?) so I cut them some slack :)

1. I don’t care how close you are to someone, never ever give them the inquisitive look when they turn down alcohol and then subsequently ask them, “are you pregnant?”. ::SHAKES HEAD:: I choose to keep my TTC journey private only because I want to ensure that I keep my life balanced and not consume myself with only TTC thoughts. I also want it to be a surprise (this is so important to me) because it’s going to be so exciting to share and you’ve just robbed me of sharing the surprise. When you ask someone if they’re pregnant you put them in an awkward situation as their face turns a deep shade of red and their speech stutters thus giving it away, or else they feel guilty for lying to you because they purposely keep the truth from you which seems deceitful. So don’t ask this. Ever.
2. Don’t ever tell a TTC woman to “try not to think about it” (or my favorite--“be patient”). This makes me want to slap my hand on my head and say, “oh by gosh-you ARE right! I should just ignore the constant reminders when I check BBTs every morning, and check for fertile signs so we can plan our baby dancing accordingly, or I should just ignore the ramifications of what a positive pregnancy test would mean if it happens this month!” ........are you really going to tell me that I should just try not to think about it?
3. (This one is actually an extension of part 2, but deserves it’s own distinction because it’s frequently used and equally annoying). “It’ll happen once you stop trying”....So are you suggesting I stop having sex then? Will it happen once I do that?
4. Don’t ever share stories of TTC that you’ve heard from other people or yourself that start out like this, “my friend was trying for 2 years and nothing was working, so they finally resorted to IVF and poof-they got pregnant!.....so don’t stress--it’ll happen for you, too!”.........so wait---are you trying to tell me that I have to endure this for another year and then fork over a load of cash to have IVF done? When you’ve excitedly waited month after month for this hoping this will finally be the month, then two years sounds like an eternity.
5. “It’ll happen when you stop stressing about it”. Ok, number one, not only have you just insulted me by implying that I’m doing the one thing I’m trying my hardest not to do which makes me not want to confide in you the next time I’m having a hard time, but two, stress is pretty much implied if you’ve been TTC for more than several months. Lastly, I already know that stress can disrupt my cycles and I am already trying my hardest to avoid the stress. But hey--thanks for the advice!
6. Comments from parents and grandparents: “I want to be a grandma! When are you going to have kids?”. I have no experience with these comments because I’m fortunate enough to have parents that recognize that these are personal decisions, but I imagine for others that deal with these comments from family that they would be stressful because you feel bad enough already for the complete lack of control over this process, and parents only pressuring more probably puts more salt on the wounds.
7. “What!? You are TTC, why didn’t you tell me?! I feel hurt you didn’t tell me!”. I have not had this comment said to me, but I know that my decision to not tell other people has very little to do with my relationship to them and everything to do with ensuring that I am keeping my mind off it by not having to talk about it with too many other people. It’s hard enough to keep it a secret from others so please don’t make me feel worse about it.
8. “So, when are you guys having kids?” This is the same as #6 only it is said by your friends and extended family who really mean well when they ask it, but you never know what someone is going through. I’ve heard this question asked to a girl that had an early miscarriage and she wound up bursting into tears hence obliging a response to explain the sudden emotional outburst.

In all honesty, I’m guilty of almost every one of these at one time or another. We just don’t know what we don’t know and if this experience has taught me anything, it’s how incredibly sensitive and private these experiences can be. It's hard to judge something you don't understand and we don't ask that you try--but that you just listen. We only tend to hear the happy pregnancy announcements which are subsequently followed with tears of joy when the happy ending finally arrives. We never hear about the struggles in between because no one talks about it. Unfortunately, some of us struggle a little, and some of us struggle a lot. I have not reached that point where I am “struggling”, but it has shed light on to the dark side of this whole process which up until April of this year, I never knew existed.