Unsolicited Advice

As I've mentioned several times in past posts, everyone loves a pregnant woman. You are fussed over, inquired about, and you can't seem to go anywhere without a stranger smiling at you as though they realize they are suddenly let in on a secret about you. I've heard from some that have had babies that the attention immediately wanes once the baby is born, and suddenly the fuss is over the baby--because everyone loves a baby. I witnessed this a few weeks ago when I was baby-sitting my 14 month old nephew out in public. He is a fairly independent little guy and I let him venture away from me since very few people were around. Every person that walked by stared at him and gave him a smile. Some stopped to talk to me (thinking I was the mother) and asked me about him, but most just said, "oh he's so cute!". No one ignored him.

I suppose some of this attention from pregnancy and babies stems from the mere fact that most of the admirers are triggered by their own experiences when they see the belly or see a baby. People want to find a tangent with you because you are relatable to them and they want to gush. With that, unfortunately, comes a lot of unsolicited advice. And unfortunately, there is a lot of mis-information out there. Surely some parenting advice is subjective and comes from personal experience of what worked for them, but there is also a slew of advice that gets fueled by culture and our society which has been shared enough times that eventually people start to believe it to be true. Some advice I accept graciously whereas other advice may be "true", but it's just too much information to take in because I don't know what is going to be "true" for my own pregnancy or our own baby. One downside to this pregnancy is that I've had to learn to graciously accept the advice from people who are I know are well-intentioned, but sometimes inadvertently offend me. For instance, when I tell people I would like to go pain med-free I get the "Oh, you're one of THOSE people" or "don't feel guilty if you wind up needing an epidural". I find these comments unsupportive.

Last week I was at a 3-day company meeting amongst colleagues that I've worked with for several years. Most of them know me well, and they know my background is a master's in Epidemiology (health research). Some that know me even better know that I am extremely health-conscious and make very careful decisions about my life--pregnant or not. Around 20 weeks I made the conscious decision after carefully evaluating the medical literature myself (which I'm trained to do) and asking my health provider for their thoughts, I decided that I would allow myself to drink a little wine in pregnancy on occasion. I am no fool because I know that within American culture this is still considered taboo and it is best to do this within the privacy of your own home unless you are prepared to deal with the gawkers in public. Perhaps I should've considered that before I allowed myself a half a glass of wine amongst my peers, but I trusted that they knew I wasn't being careless about my decisions. Without going into too much detail, my feelings wound up being hurt and I developed some degree of frustration because several people (jokingly) dropped their jaws, made comments that I was drinking, and one person went so far as to slap my arm (playfully) to get me to stop pouring the wine. I became self-conscious and decided that I made a mistake and should've done this only amongst my family. Maybe I should've been more assertive and explained that the research is inconclusive and that small amounts of alcohol show no long-term effects. It's a personal decision that every pregnant woman has to make and many opt not to take the risk, but many others will drink within the privacy of their home. As I was taught by one of the nurses in my newborn care class--you're going to get a variety of advice and recommendations, and it is up to you to decide what is right for you. You can't make the "right" decision for you unless you are educated about why these guidelines are in place in the first place.

I would've let this go except that one of the most common comments people make to me is that I'm "eating for two". Conversation around food and my diet often leads people to imply that I have a free pass to eat whatever I want and when I suggest that I'm trying to be healthful and mindful of my food choices so as to not gain too much weight it's always followed by confusion from others who tell me I shouldn't feel guilty and that I should take advantage of it while I can. These comments have always bothered me because this is one of the most common fallacies in pregnancy. Surely we should not deprive ourselves of the occasional treat (pregnant or not), but based on the degree of comments made to me that I have "permission" to pig out leads me to believe that we are fueling these notions in America that what we eat in pregnancy doesn't matter. On the contrary, we need to be eating even healthier in pregnancy because the research shows that too much weight gain leads to increased risk for gestational diabetes, large for gestational age babies and contributes to later childhood health outcomes such as type 2 Diabetes and obesity. Just as important is what we eat. I've noticed for myself personally is that if I eat too many carbohydrates I start to crave even more sugar (I will want a Mountain Dew or Sprite) which is indicative to me that I've caused my blood sugar to spike and then crash thus craving more sugar. Of course it's extremely challenging for a pregnant woman to control their eating when they are constantly hungry and craves certain foods over others, or can't stomach some foods. However, that night at the company event, while I was being scrutinized for having a half glass of wine I was also at the same time being encouraged to pig out on food. It has lead me to conclude that regardless of how much intuition you think you have, please never ever comment on the choices and decisions that pregnant woman make. And for that matter, the parenting decisions they make.

By making these comments or questioning their judgements you are implying that you don't trust that they know any better. On the contrary, I have 10 pregnancy books sitting on my desk, I'm armed with questions every time I meet with my midwife, I have Dr. Google at my finger-tips (hint: he's not always "right" though) and I question nearly ever single thing I do in pregnancy wondering, "is it safe?". Bottom line is, this pregnancy is always on my mind.

On a much lighter note, I'm now 36.5 weeks. Jon and I finished the nursery this past weekend. I couldn't help but admire the work we did, and I silently said, "OK baby, we're ready when you are". Physically, we have everything we need, and are equipped with the knowledge to help raise this new baby. Mentally, I don't think I'll ever be ready and I just have to do it.

People have asked me over and over when my due date is and I no longer have to put "December" in front of my response of, "the 6th" because it's just implied since December is now fast approaching. Tonight I was at a used maternity clothing store and the cashier asked me how many more weeks I had to go and I said, "approximately 3.5 weeks". Her eyes got big and she said, "oh wow, you're almost there!". To me, 3.5 weeks seems like an eternity, but I know it's going to continue to go by fast. Of course many people are telling me that I could deliver "anytime now", but my experience working on a labor and delivery floor during grad school tells me that although it's possible, it's not very likely. I don't want to think in those terms because it will get my hopes up. It gives me chills though to think that a month from now everything is going to be so different. Even more so, we're going to know if we have a boy or girl--that is the biggest mystery of all and I can't wait to find out.

Baby E. has been constantly moving these past 2 weeks so I think the baby is finally so big that no matter what position the baby is in, I'm going to feel the movement. I had my first "weekly" appointment yesterday with the midwife. She said the head is engaged and I have more than likely dropped. Of course this isn't predictive of anything, but it was reassuring to see that I'm showing the signs of the end coming near. She had me feel the butt, the legs, and questioned if she was feeling feet. It was cool to have the anatomy clearly pointed out to me since I've always doubted what I feel.

After being given the confidence to try and identify body parts, I then today felt the hands punching me on the side of the stomach and I (pathetically) decided I wanted to "hold hands" with my baby (I know--what!?) so I grabbed a hunk of skin on my belly and tried to hold on to the hand. If that baby was on the outside he or she would've slapped me because I suddenly felt a big punch to the inside of the belly and then the hand slipped away. Oh well...soon enough I will get to hold that hand :)