The baby is roughly the size of a large avocado--and in a few short days I graduate to the size of a white onion. In just a few weeks the baby will be the size of a cantelope--oy.
So you know how I said that 12 weeks would be that magical zone where I would start feeling like this was the "real deal"? Well, guess what? Once 12 weeks hit then I couldn't wait for my next milestone. I so badly want to "show". Once I start showing, I'll want to feel the baby kick. Once the baby kicks, I'll want to be in the 3rd trimester, and so on and so forth....the eager desire to keep things moving along never quits! And I still have 5.5 months to go!
At roughly 12 weeks I went in for a 12 week ultrasound with the Perinatologist. I have a relatively innocuous blood clotting disorder called Factor V which has implications in pregnancy and surgery. It's the reason I began taking a daily baby aspirin as I'm at slightly elevated risk for blood clots. However, after a consult with the Perinatologist, he was so confident that I wouldn't have problems that he doesn't feel the need to see me again unless problems arise. Part of the 12 week consult necessitates an ultrasound to assess for "growth". Who is going to complain about that? In my past blog post I mentioned my 8 week ultrasound in which the baby resembled that of a gummy bear--short limbs and a flat backside. I was absolutely amazed at the growth spurt that took place between the 8th-12th week because the fetus actually resembled a very small baby on the 12 week ultrasound! It was also the first time I've ever seen the baby move on the ultrasound. A few times during the exam the baby sort of jolted and slowly sank back down to its resting place. It is incredible to me to imagine that this tiny little creature is inside of me moving around with a heart pumping furiously away. How does my body know how to do this? And perhaps, more importantly, how am I not feeling any of it at all?
I left that appointment feeling that personal risk of miscarriage had plummeted. The Perinatologist said they are 99% confident that I will have this baby, and even hinted that the risk was "less than 1%". The problem with ultrasounds is that they are fleeting. The next few days I felt reassured that everything is going great, but as humans, we need to see to believe. As the days and weeks wore on I began to wonder again if there really was a baby in there. Not so much that I was wondering if I had miscarried, but more so I had such disbelief that something was growing inside of me! I can't see it, so how do I believe that?
Then at 13.5 weeks along I had a bit of a scare. It was exactly what I didn't want to happen. After a bowel movement I looked down in the toilet and saw red blood. It was a horrible feeling and suddenly all enthusiasm I had built up for this pregnancy evaporated as my heart sank. Was this is a repeat of last pregnancy? I was utterly confused as I knew my chance of miscarriage was greatly reduced, but old feelings emerged and it was hard talk myself out of the fear. I immediately called my Midwives group, and got in for an appointment immediately. We would listen to heart tones on the Doppler and she would examine me to see the possible source of the bleeding. Almost immediately when she walked into my appointment she told me to hop up on the table and we would listen for heart tones just like we did at 11 weeks when we heard them perfectly. I watched as she moved the device around and around on my belly. "Hmmm?" she finally said with a hint of defeat as she assessed every which way and position of my stomach. She wasn't finding a heart beat.....
Crap.
She explained to me that the endometrium lining begins to thicken around 14-16 weeks and this can sometimes mask the sound as the baby isn't big enough to overcome this obstacle. All I heard was, "Kate, I can't hear a heart beat.". Images of the ultrasound at my last pregnancy came flooding back when the ultrasound tech informed me that they couldn't find a heartbeat and I immediately felt this was a doomed pregnancy yet again. She told me she was not worried and that this is common. She left the room to go find a portable ultrasound and wheeled it back into the room. And there it was! We found the baby active and heart thumping away on the ultrasound! The hands and legs were flying all over and the baby was jolting up and down just like last time. And it was then and there that I realized that everything about this pregnancy was completely the opposite of what happened the last pregnancy. I needed to squash these doubts that I was going to miscarry because that just wasn't going to happen.
The Midwife explained to me that I have an anterior placenta which means the placenta is on the front and thus the other reason we likely couldn't pick up heart tones on the doppler even though we could at 11 weeks. In just a few weeks as the baby outgrows the placenta we'd be able to hear them again. Following the ultrasound she did an exam and informed me that because I just started taking the baby aspirin the week prior (which thins out the blood) I'm likely going to have bleeding scares. My cervix is "very vascular" and it is likely that I popped a varicose vein thus the source of the blood.
A few weeks later at 15 weeks I went in for my 2nd prenatal visit nervous that we may not hear the heartbeat on the Doppler. Was the baby big enough this time? Even though I knew they'd order me an ultrasound if they couldn't pick it up on the Doppler I so badly wanted to hear it at the appointment to get the peace of mind right away because I'd have to wait another day or so to have the ultrasound done since there was no portable ultrasound at the clinic I was currently at. Jon came to this visit with me so he could hear the heartbeat. As the midwife put the doppler to my belly I took a deep breath and wondered if it would work this time. I watched as she navigated the belly listening intently for the slightest sound of hoofs pounding the ground. And then I heard it! Music to my ears! I turned to Jon sitting in the chair near me and watched his smile him light up! He was hearing it for the first time. For him, it was though he was sitting on the sidelines as I carried our baby so it was rewarding to see that he was finally able to share in the delight of our pregnancy! I was savvy enough to figure out how to record the heartbeat on my cell phone so that I could share the recording with my family. That night as I sat on my computer listening to the amplified sound of the heartbeat on my computer speakers I felt a chill run through me every time I hit "repeat" on the recording. I listened to it over and over again as though I was listening to it the first time while over analyzing as though playing it each time was like a new experience offering new insight into our baby.
Every morning I scrutinize my belly for any noticeable sign that it has begun to grow. Most people tell me that I look pregnant, but I know that the baby isn't big enough yet and is only beginning to push itself "out" instead of up just "up". I've begun to embrace my pregnancy and am finally reading the pregnancy books that I was so reluctant to read at first "just in case". I was brave enough to sit down with HR to discuss my maternity leave and talk about it as though I was 100% sure this baby was coming. I have my doubts every now and then, but I know this is normal. Every night I lay in bed and concentrate "really hard" to see if I can feel my baby kick. First time moms usually don't feel baby movement until 16-20 weeks, but women that have had one pregnancy already will feel it earlier. There are several reasons for this, but one of them begin that they know what it feels like. I may feel it but mistaken it for gas (classy--I know). I'm still a bit early at 16 weeks and my anterior placenta will likely prevent me from feeling anything for at least another month since the placenta will serve at the baby's punching bag for a little while. Yet, it's fun trying anyway because it gives me something to hope for.
Jon and I have scheduled our 20 week anatomy scan. We have leaned towards being surprised about the sex until the delivery, but I'm told this ultrasound will be amazing anyway because the baby will be bigger, moving about and we'll start to feel a connection with him or her. We have this ultrasound scheduled in 3 weeks.
Stay tuned!
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