I can't help be feel a sense of torture as a series of events trickle in the aftermath of the miscarriage. The first was last week when I learned that I will be paying several thousand dollars of my own money to cover my portion of the D&C bill since I must meet my $2,000 deductible first before my insurance covers 80/20. I anticipated that I may have to foot the bill on this procedure so it wasn't a total shock, but just a painful reminder that we would have to forfeit our fall travel plans to NY and Atlanta so to pay for something that I didn't want to have done. Surely one could argue that no one wants to have a triple bypass surgery done, but at least the outcome following that procedure is hopeful. Mine didn't produce anything good except a lot of bleeding. Then came the barrage of bad news of Jon's swim test. It just feels like the bad news needs to stop. Haven't we had enough for one month?
Nearly three weeks following the bad news that my baby didn't have a heartbeat, I find myself somehow romanticizing the moment I found out I was pregnant. I replay that happy occasion in my head over and over leaving out the doubt and anxiety that had been paired with the elation of the two pink lines. Somehow I've forgotten the worry that came subsequent to the good news. I suppose anxiety or not, at least I was pregnant and want so badly to have that sensation back. As I described in an earlier post, the 10 seconds following the "pregnant" test was probably the best 10 seconds of my life. I miss it and won't ever forget it.
Jon and I met with the urologist on Friday morning. I secretly hoped that Jon and I had somehow interpreted the semen analysis results wrong and maybe it was better than we thought. I pretended that we were going to meet with the doctor and he would say, "great news! The test results show improvement and you don't need my help anymore!". Jon and I would shriek with excitement and happily skip out of the office ready to put the past away and start a new beginning. But to no avail, our urologist confirmed that the medication isn't showing any effect. He said that this is a sign that Jon's low testosterone is not an issue, that it is "normal" for him to have this low level. He told Jon he could discontinue the medication and that we can explore other options. Our first option is that we can do nothing and hope for the best (hah!). The second option is to explore IUI with my Reproductive Endocrinologist (AKA "fertility specialist doctor"). I have an appointment with him tomorrow. At $2,000 a pop with only a 20% success rate, I'm not wild about the idea. Some couples go straight to IVF, but that would likely be $10,000+ and I'm not convinced I should be clumped in that IVF category just yet. I'm fairly certain we will never consider this route.
Our last option is to pursue the surgery to fix Jon's Varicocele. As I described in posts last spring, Varicocele in my basic lay-man's terms is a varicose vein type blockage in the testicles which can disrupt blood flow causing over-heating and subsequently disrupt sperm production. About one in six men have Varicocele and in most cases it's innocuous. In some cases (we hope Jon's) it can be the cause of poor sperm count and quality. Jon has bi-lateral Varicocele and at a grade 1 (there are 3 grades and Jon is in the lowest grade). The urologist explained that in 2 out of 3 cases he sees improved sperm production following surgery. Usually in men where Varicocele is the reason they're not getting pregnant it means they have poor sperm with low count, low motility (how efficient they move), and low/poor morphology (the shape). Jon has all 3 of these factors. There are many reasons to be hopeful that Jon's Varicocele is the reason for poor sperm production and that this surgery could help.
Unfortunately, the doctor is typically booked for 6 weeks out so we likely wouldn't schedule the surgery until October. Jon will schedule the surgery tomorrow so we'll find out the date at that time. And then we wait. We won't know for another three months following surgery if it was indeed effective. It is likely that insurance will cover most of the cost of the surgery (we'll get confirmation tomorrow). Our thoughts are that the odds of the Varicocele surgery being effective are higher than the odds of IUI or IVF. If it does work then that means we've permanently fixed the problem and won't have to deal with this in subsequent pregnancies. The only drawback is that this procedure of course is very invasive. It is a 2-4 day recovery, yet this is an area on the body that men don't want to be messed with and I admire my husband for being brave enough to pursue this option. The other downside is that we could have the surgery, but only once again be clumped into the unlucky category that we habitually seem to fall into time and time again.
Jon has been teasing me because I have a crush on the urologist. He is incredibly smart (and probably very rich), we trust him because he's honest with us about our options, he's nice and kind of cute. Plus he's trying to fix Jon's issues so that we can have a baby.....what's not to like? He offered some great insight that has put a new perspective on my miscarriage. Since I lost the baby, many have been talking and asking hypothetically why it is that human reproduction is so flawed when animals are always perfect because most species get pregnant the first try and hardly ever miscarry. Why can't humans be like that? Our urologist explained to us that women are typically fertile for about 30 years (approximately 15-45 years of age). However, it is not in our survivable best interest to reproduce every year as our bodies could (in theory) do. Therefore, our bodies have evolved to allow for mistakes and miscarriages to be "survivable" and persist down the lineage because it benefits our health to not overpopulate our families with children. Animals, on the other hand, are biologically different in that mothers don't have to take care of their young much longer than a year or so before their children fend for themselves. Think about the cat or dog that gives birth to 8 pups or kittens. Now think of the "Octo-mom" and how publicly shunned she was for that. Pretty interesting, eh?
A few years ago my cousin lost her baby at 37 weeks. I won't ever forget that day because it was about a month shy of my wedding and we were in high anticipation of my cousin having the summer off with her newborn. About 5 days before her induction I received a fateful phone call from my mom. "She lost the baby". What!? I barged into the room that Jon was in with a horrified look on my face that caused Jon to immediately sense that something was terribly wrong. Jon and I spent the next few hours in our room just laying there letting the shock of the news absorb us. Their house was ready for the baby. She was envisioning how that summer was going to be like no summer she's ever had before. Everything and everyone was ready, and everything is her life was about to change and she was ready. None of it made sense. A few months following her loss she had invited us to a 5k run and walk event that benefited pregnancy loss, stillbirth and SIDs education and awareness. Jon and I gladly went to support her and do the run. We joined her again in subsequent years.
It seemed like a no-brainer that when I lost my own baby that we would once again attend the event which was held yesterday. The race is called Hope and Hearts 5k and is put on by the semi-national Missing Grace Foundation. Many of the participants have dealt with still birth. Even though everything about the race and event was the same as prior years, it had so much more meaning this time for me. It was a comforting feeling to be amongst many women and their family that have gone through the same thing as me or even 10x worse than me. Finally I felt like I fit in. When Jon and I were lining up to start the 5k, I saw a girl with a shirt on in which she'd written "Bella, 8-27-2012". I felt like I had been pulled out of the "raw and fresh pregnancy" category because there was now a girl with a more recent pregnancy loss than mine. I felt like it was my invitation to move on because someone new has taken the torch.
Each participant receives a race shirt and on the back you can stamp your baby's name "in memory". Jon and I did this before the race. The morning was perfect weather--not too hot nor too humid, but definitely shorts and t-shirt weather. Jon rocked the 5k finishing in 24 minutes far beating his goal of running in sub-27 minutes. Since I only began running again last weekend (I didn't run at all during my pregnancy) I was horribly out of shape and finished in 32 minutes. It was a little disappointing, but I know I don't need to justify to everyone else that was running as to why I was out of shape because they would understand. After the race we met up with my cousin who had participated in the "memory walk" with her family. She now has two young kids and is the kind of success story we all hope we can be after enduring something so devastating.
Anyway, here are some photos below from our race.
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