The Next Day

Last week Jon shared something very insightful with me that I've been thinking about on and off since then. Cities 97 played Everlast "What it's Like" on the radio last week. It was a popular song in the late 90s and tells the story of how judgement towards others is ignorant. You never know what their life is like.

We've all seen the man at the liquor store beggin' for your change.
The hair on his face is dirty, dreadlocked and full of mange.
He asked the man for what he could spare with shame in his eyes.
Get a job you fuckin' slob is all he replied.
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes.
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to sing the blues.
Then you really might know what it's like. 

Jon remarked to me that this song had really gotten him thinking lately about how we judge people for situations that we think we understand, but really don't have any clue. I really appreciated him saying this because it is something that I've tried to be open-minded about for so long and realize that not everyone grew up under the same circumstances I did and our experiences shape who we become. For some, unfortunately, they have struggled with situations I can't even fathom. For this reason, I have never met a person I didn't like. I think learning about other people's experiences is the reason our opinions on politics and cultural issues evolves over time because we realize that what may not be "right" for us given our circumstances may be "OK" for others.

In the shuffle and hustle of everyday life I know that I don't post blog posts that frequently so it's a bit unusual for me to post two days in a row. I'm sure most of you read this thinking it's somehow therapeutic for me to write, and perhaps it is, but more than that, I know that I have a knack for writing, and I enjoy it so I love when I can learn something new and share it in writing for others to read. Especially when the topic is interesting.....and surely revelations of an impending miscarriage on the same day your nephew is born screams "blanket and popcorn" drama. Perhaps that is why I'm being so open with these posts, because if this situation I'm in didn't suck so bad it would be quite intriguing. In the end I know I will be a more enlightened person because of it.

In an old blog post I mentioned that a few years ago I made the ignorant comment to someone (I don't even remember who) that people that get pregnant and miscarry in the 1st trimester can just try to have another baby again--no big deal, what's the fuss? I made this observation long before we started trying to have babies--at a time when I was not really all that wild about bringing a child into the world. I also didn't realize that I was going to become a statistic of infertility and I suppose I thought if I did ever have infertility issues that I would somehow magically exercise patience and just realize that it would happen when it happens. This entire blog was inspired by that notion that I never really knew what it was like until I personally went through it, so now that I am, why not tell people what it's like?

Today I went to work which turned out to be a great thing because I got caught up on a lot of things and had a good day. However, what was troubling me on the back of my mind is that I had some decisions to make. Yesterday I indicated that I was going to try to pass the embryo naturally when my body was ready. I realized that it cold be unpredictable when it would happen and could take weeks, but it seemed to beat the alternative which is a D&C. A D&C involves mild sedation and the mere thought of being asleep during a procedure kind of freaked me out (you should've seen me when I had my wisdom teeth taken out--I was more worried about the sedation then the subsequent pain following the surgery). Then I learned some more last night that passing it naturally after 8 weeks of growth can be quite painful and it can hit you unexpectedly meaning that I'd have to be careful if I wanted to go to the State Fair, go to work, or go out and about. It could also be further complicated by a big loss of blood......suddenly a predictable and relatively pain-free D&C wasn't sounding so bad.

A week ago I was trying to decide if I wanted to have a boy or girl, and today I was trying to decide between whether to wait naturally for this to happen or go in for a D&C and just get it over with. Do I want to say goodbye to the child I thought I was meeting in March by flushing him or her down the toilet, or letting an OB doctor scrape it all out? What is the lesser of two evils?

I further begin to wonder again, "why me?". Not only am I an infertility statistic, I'm now a miscarriage statistic. I do need to make one disclaimer that due to Jon's medication we may now very likely NOT be an infertility statistic anymore. How in the world and what are the odds that I deal with both? A friend emailed me this morning and told me that as a kid she never realized how common miscarriages were. As a kid she never knew anyone that had had one, but now as an adult she has met so many people that have . It's funny how when I tell someone I had a miscarriage suddenly everyone comes out of the wood work. People are more willing to share that they, too, have had one or their family member or friend has had one. Statistics show that about 25% of pregnancies end up in miscarriage with the bulk of them being during first trimester and a significant portion of those ones being in the 4th and 5th week (or at least growth stops in the 4th or 5th week and maybe you don't find out until an 8 week ultrasound). Once you see the heartbeat on the ultrasound the risk of miscarriage is around 5-8%, and once it's heard on the ultrasound it's down to about 3%. I saw the heartbeat two times on the ultrasound so to me 5-8% seems low and "not likely". I kept repeating this to myself in the past month that although they are "common", they really kind of aren't common. I had no thing to worry about because what are the chances that I would be one of the 8 people in 100 that would have one? Yet here I am---one of those that takes one for the team and becomes the statistics so that you don't have to....or so that is how it seams because everyone else around me make this all look so easy.

So we have some decisions to make within the next day or two. We'll get there. Regardless, I know that Jon and I will be fine in the end. Everything always works out OK in the end.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some pregnancy-verboten Sushi calling my name.....